To Lose Everything
by illeria92
Summary: Yuki dies...Possible KN or KD... I haven't decided yet. Reviews much appreciated. Back, revised and ready for shiny new reviews.


_**So, here's the thing: I wrote this story when I was thirteen or so and it wasn't up to snuff. I think I had good ideas, but they were poorly executed. It's also always bothered me that I left it unfinished. I hate it when authors abandon stories, and the hypocrisy was eating at me. I still don't know what pairing to go for, so, and here comes the annoying bit, why not LEAVE A REVIEW, and tell me whatcha think?**_

"Neal, come here, you've got blood on your ear." Kel said, moving to wipe it away with her handkerchief.

Neal ducked quickly away

"I can get it myself!" he said indignantly.

"Meathead, you're already going to have to explain why you're late for your own wedding. Do you want to explain the disheveled appearance as well?" she asked

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE? I DON'T DECIDE WHEN BABIES ARE BORN!"

Kel laughed at her friend as he submitted to her grooming.

" There. What a lovely daffodil."

Despite many threats issued by the Lady Knight, Neal was typically unable to refrain from waxing poetic about his fiancee. After a few nips from Kel's ornery gelding the healer settled for muttering to himself quietly every so often. Tobe and Kel couldn't help but poke fun at Neal's huffiness and made no attempt two conceal their mirth.

They laughed together as they rounded the last bend on the road to Steadfast. But when they saw the burning fort they both went ashen and spurred their horses onward. The were horrified at the carnage they saw as they charged towards the wreckage. The air was thick with the acrid smell of burning flesh. Having fought their way through those Scanrans bold enough to remain after the attack, Neal began a frantic search of the compound with Kel at his heels while the rest of their party rounded up survivors.

"Yuki!YUKI!" He screamed, His voice cracking in desperation.

Kel's stomach lurched as she spotted a flash of pale green silk, bloodied and smeared with mud. Forcing herself to turn fully, Kel gasped. Yuki had been run through with a spear, yet even in death her hands gripped her glaive defiantly. Neal spun noticing Kel's sharp intake of breath. He flung himself down next to his dead fiance, sobbing even as he tried to jam green fire into her body.

"Neal"Kel said trying to pull him away"Stop! You'll drain yourself." He flung her violently away.

"I don't care! It doesn't matter anymore. I have to..." He managed to get out before Kel bashed him over the head with the hilt of her sword.

"I can't lose any more friends today Neal." she said as she caught his limp body and dragged him over towards the makeshift infirmary that their companions were franticly trying to assemble.

Two days of grueling labor and burial saw Kel sitting half dazed, hunched over Neal's. In her weary state she barely noticed when a hand gently touched her shoulder. Turning groggily she was met with a familiar pair of blue eyes although they lacked their usual mirth.

"Hello." She managed to croak.

"Hello Kel."

"Dom, why did this happen? The war was winding down. The Scanrans shouldn't have been able to muster such a strong attack."

" Somehow they got one of their own on the inside to start the fire, while we where busy with that, they broke down the front gates and massacred us."

"Yuki..."she broke off with a sob. He replaced his hand on her shoulder

"I know." he said sadly."Lord Raoul got away with only a gash on his leg."

" Any other important casualties?"Kel said feeling a little sick that she could consider any casualty unimportant.

" Everyone else we know is safe." he assured her. Before noticing how weary she looked."You should sleep. Even Meathead is resting." he pointed out.

"Neal is "resting" because I knocked him out so he wouldn't kill himself trying to resurrect his fiance."she said with grim smile.

"Kel you still need to rest." he insisted.

"I'll rest after he wakes up." He glared for a moment, but seeing a gleam of resolve in her eye, he gave in.

"Alright, but I'll hold you to that."

Sometime after dawn Kel woke to find herself still slumped in a chair. She sighed and tried to rub the uncomfortable ache from her neck. She moved to stand up before sending ink and paper flying to the ground. She had been trying to plan Yuki's funeral and inform all the Yamani's friends and family of her demise without leaving Neal's side. When Dom and Merric had tried to get her to delegate she had brushed them off claiming

"She deserves to be remembered for who she was, not who some priest imagines her to have been. Besides, when Neal wakes up it should all be done. He shouldn't be forced into confronting his grief for days on end."

Kel was so preoccupied with the fallen papers she didn't notice immediately when Neal began to stir.

"Kel" he rasped.

She jerked around to face him and hurried to return to the chair at his bedside.

"You're awake." she whispered,not knowing what to say.

"Kel, was it all just a terrible nightmare?" He asked earnestly.

"She could bear no more than to shake her head.

"Thought as much. Gainiel's not that cruel."he said as silent tears fell down his face.

Kel hesitated briefly before moving to hug him. When he broke away sniffling some minutes later he noticed the paper flung across the room."What are those" he said pointing.

"Funeral arrangements." was the quiet reply.

" YOU'RE planning MY dead fiance funeral while i was in a coma. A coma that YOU put me into i might add." his voice taking on a quiet, icy edge.

"Neal, I had to knock you out. you were going to drain..."

"Drain my power and kill myself in the process? Yes that was kind of the idea." he hissed.

"You can't mean..." Stammered Kel.

"Oh, I do. But I guess you couldn't possibly understand losing someone you love.

He said as Kel stared at him with horror

"You had to rescue me, just like you rescue everyone else whether they want you to or not." Neal said with such venom that normally unflappable Kel felt tears leaking from her eyes as she stood and walked swiftly away, bumping the arm of a sergeant as she went.

It took Dom a moment to realize that the women running from the infirmary was Kel. Her tears rendered her more fragile emphasized her underfed and overworked frame. As much as he wanted to comfort his friend, it was his duty to check on the ailing and see if Duke Baird should be called out of surgery for consultation.

As he entered the hastily assembled sick ward, Dom was shocked to see his cousin sitting straight up in bed, cool green mist engulfing him as he healed his own injuries. Neal looked …harsher somehow. As if he'd fought a thousand battles in the space of a few days.

Some slowly approached the knight saying "How's the head? Not to horrid I hope, Kel feels guilty enough already."

" Well she should. Thinks she's such a bloody hero. Should've let me die. At least then I'd have a shot at seeing Yuki." Spat Neal.

"Neal, Kel lost Yuki too. Do you really think she deserves to lose two friends in the same day?"

"I don't give two figs anymore. Life's not worth it without her."

"I've been holding back the nickname out of respect for your grief, but now you've lost that privilege. So, Listen up Meathead. Now, imagine your oldest friend in peril, life threatening let's say, would you just let them die or would you fight like anything to keep them with you just a little longer? Hmm? Would you?" said Dom, quirking his eyebrows expectantly.

" I'd be compassionate enough to know that my friend was willing to die for something, or someone." Replied Neal with smug wrath evident in his voice.

"Ah. So that's why you followed Kel into Scanra is it?" Neal was clearly searching for a response, but Dom continued "I understand your grief, Gods know you've had enough in your life, but this "compassion" you're talking about is selfish."

By the time Neal could pull his lower jaw back up, Dom's back was disappearing from view.

When Dom managed to successfully locate Kel she was staring defiantly over the edge of the fort's burnt walls. She had managed to secure her mask, but errant tears still escaped The young knight didn't turn as Dom approached but instead spoke.

" He was right."

"Kel, he's not right, he's grief stricken...and a bit of an ass. Whatever he said, I'm sure he didn't mean." Dom said the words slowly and softly, worried about upsetting Kel further.

" Regardless of his grief, he was right. I don't understand that kind of loss. I've lost friends, but I can't even comprehend what he's feeling." She said, staring determinedly at some unknown spot on the horizon

"What do you mean Kel?" Inquired the Sergeant.

"It is gut wrenching to lose a friend like Yuki, but I still believe the world's worth living in. I can't understand loving anyone so much that I absolutely couldn't continue without them. You lose people and it cuts at you, but the wounds scar and you continue to fight. That's the only way I can understand it. I don't understand loving someone that completely." Kel flicking her eyes briefly in his direction.

"Kel, you're a fantastic knight, and do you know why?" he paused as she shook her head " Because every death- commoner, friend, enemy, eat at you. I've seen you valiantly protect children, and I've the remorse in your eyes after battle. That is a greater capacity for love and compassion than anyone I've yet known. You deal with grief every day, most anyone, least of my stupid relatives make you feel that you haven't enough compassion."

Kel laughed lightly as she wiped away the remaining tears.

"Thank you for the motivational speech, it was lovely." Turning towards the stairs she said "I suppose I should go see if my best friend's back in his right mind.." Dom nodded, wishing he had more to say, but his words had made him shy, expressing more emotion than he was comfortable with.

Kel walked down a few steps, heading back to the keep, before turning, "Dom. Thank you, I…I'm not quite sure I believe everything you said, but it was nice to hear." And with that she descended the stone steps leaving Dom at a loss for words.

Kel stopped just in front of the door to the infirmary. She knew she had to talk to Neal, she wanted to clean things up, but she didn't particularly want to break down again. Shaking her head slightly she walked into the cold, quiet sick ward. Neal was the only patient awake, quietly sitting, fiddling with something in his hands.

Kel cautiously sat at the foot of his bed, noticing that it was Yuki's shukusen that he held.

"She loved you so very much. The Yamani ladies only give their shukusen to the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. "She wanted to Neal, so much, but she can't, and I'm so sorry, because she was such a good friend and she loved you so much. I shouldn't have knocked you out. But I can't stand losing anyone else." Kel said hurriedly.

Neal lifted his head and began to speak

"Kel I…"

Only to be cut of by Kel's insistent pleading

"I know I should have waited for you to wake up to plan the funeral, but I wanted everything to be ready. I didn't want you to have to plan an event when you're mourning."

Neal attempted to speak once more

"But Kel, I.."

" I know you knew her better than anyone, but I just thought it would be too hard for you, and I didn't want you to try to…well you know…not again" Kel became flustered enough that Neal could finally talk.

" Kel, I was being cruel. I had no right to be that angry at you for keeping me alive and trying to ease my grief. I behaved abominably. I was hurt, well I still am, but I let it take over and lashed out at the best friend I have. Yuki would have smacked me for nearly draining myself. Can you forgive me?"

Kel only nodded dumbly in response and awkwardly proffered a hand to shake, receiving a glare from Neal. "Kel, we've ben friends for more than eight years, I think we can hug." He said before clasping his arms around Kel and saying "Thank You, I think I rather enjoy being alive." At his words Kel began to cry, bad behavior aside Neal always knew how to comfort her.

Quietly Kel asked her friend "We'll get through, yeah? We've taken on Scanrans, we've killed. We have to be able to get through this don't we?" Asked Kel, a rare childlike tone to her words.

Neal gave the only honest answer he could think of

"I hope so Kel, I really hope so."

Neal woke surprised to find a warm body nestled next to his own. For a moment he was sure it was Yuki, but the perfume was to musty. Yuki had always smelled like spring blossoms. Cautiosly opening his eyes, Neal was alarmed to see Kel wrapped in his arms. Distrustful of his own vision, Neal blinked rapidly, but she was still there. He tentatively tried to move off the small infirmary cot but Kel snuggled into his side, making escape impossible. Realizing that he was stuck, Neal tried to remember how exactly he had ended up in this uncomfortable situation. Surely nothing...untoward had happened. Right? Neal gathered all his courage and peaked under the coarse blanket that covered them both. Oh thank the gods! They were both fully clothed. Despite a feeling of immense relief, Neal was still perplexed. Why hadn't Kel gone back to her room, beyond the reach of scandal?

As the haze of sleep cleared, Neal finally recalled the night's events; the apologies, followed by a sort of private tribute to Yuki. They had told all their best anecdotes about the Yamani before Kel had stood to leave. Suddenly scared of being alone in the cold sick bay, Neal had pled with her to stay. She agreed tentatively sitting next to him on the cot. HE had told her not to be stupid or shy. He had covered them both with the blanket. HE had gotten himself into this mess and now he was stuck.

Neal didn't want to move and risk waking Kel up, nor did he want to wait until she awoke..in his arms... which had fallen asleep and were now buzzing uncomfortably. Neal did everything he could to distract himself. Yuki... no, that was painful. But his mind was away and running. How could he have mistake anyone for his beloved, even with closed eyes? Why had he felt content to awake next to Kel? Was he betraying Yuki's memory?

His musings were halted when he saw his cousin approach. He was both thrilled and dismayed. Dom could help him slip away, but he'd also mock Neal long after they'd both gone grey. Neal tried to silently catch his eye before Dom could say anything to wake Kel. His cousin stiffled a laugh at his cousins frantic head bobbing before he saw Kel and his gaze turned cold.

"Meathead, when I said you two should make up, I didn't exactly mean this." The sergeant said with a forced smirk.

"Dom!" Neal whispered fiercely" You can't really think I... Kel wouldn't dre...but we never..we don't..not like that"

"The ever eloquent Nealan is at his best this morning."

"Dom, would you shut up and help me? I'll explain in a moment." Neal hissed.

"Fine. But you better have one hell of an explanation" Dom said as he grabbed a nearby pillow, and carefully wedged it between the knights, allowing Neal to slip away without Kel noticing a chill. Both men froze as Kel stirred but released a collective sigh as she merely burrowed deeper into the blanket.

Dom walked stiffly out of the building, gently shutting the door behind him.

"We'll go to the stables. It'll be quiet there" he muttered without looking at Neal, who only nodded and followed the older man.

When they reached the stables, Dom ushered his cousin in with a smile that seemed somehow menacing. After quickly checking to make sure they were alone, Dom spoke

"What were you playing at Neal?" The Healer was surprised, and oddly intimidated by the use of his preferred name.

"Nothing!" he replied " We were talking and we fell asleep!" This failed to placate Dom who merely glared at him. "We talked about Yuki! We laughed, we cried, do you require a transcript?"

Dom shook his head angrily. "Regardless of what did or did not occur, how must it have looked to an passerby? Bad Neal! Did you even consider Kel's reputation? She's a warrior first and foremost but she's also a NOBLEWOMAN! She... I will NOT allow you to harm her in any way. Neal...she's been through too much. I understand that you're both grieving, but for once YOU need to be the one with a level head. You must heed propriety. Gods know SHE will not"

Neal was somewhat startled by this impassioned outburst, to say the least. But then it dawned on him... All the half smiles, the jokes...the banter...

"By the gods! You're in love with her!" he whispered

"Of course I am you dolt! But she doesn't know, and you can't tell her." Dom said tiredly

"but why not? It's Kel!, she's scarcely a romantic bone in her body. She didn't even realize she'd any affection for Cleon until he flat out kissed her!"

Dom let out an exasperated sigh

"An that's why I can't tell her."

Perplexed by this response, Neal enquired

"I'm sorry, but are you daft?"

"No. Listen, Kel wouldn't ever have thought she loved that ...Kennan if he hadn't come forward. She thinks no one would ever love her and so when he did...she settled. She thought he was the only option, and she MADE herself love him back. I won't be that man. If Kel loves me me I want her to feel it, not decide it." and with that, he stomped out of the stable, scowl ablaze, leaving Neal to wonder if he was jealous that Dom still had a romantic future or because he didn't want Kel to love anyone else.

Kel awoke in the infirmary, cuddled close to a ragged pillow. She lifted her head slowly trying to recall why she was reclining on a hard cot when her own plush bed was only a moment's walk away. Still tired, she strained to remember; crying, Neal's eye's welling up and twinkling in the dim light as he pleaded with her not to go. She'd only wanted to comfort him a bit before slipping away to her own quarters, but exhaustion and the cloying warmth of the ward conspired against her, lulling her away from consciousness.

She began to rise from the cot peering through the room, hoping for relative privacy. The room was not empty but its other occupants seemed sufficiently concerned with their own maladies and ignored her as she strode from the room. She was heading towards her rooms when she realized how very hungry she really was and reeled around towards the kitchens, smashing into a large distraught sergeant.

"Dom? Are you alright? I'm sorry, I didn't look to see where I was going and…"

"No matter. Glad to see you're up." Dom interrupted drawing a narrow smile across his features and turning to go. Kel, perplexed by this caught his arm and pulled him back.

"Are you sure you're quite alright? You're face looks a bit swollen" Kel reached for his forehead and he flinched but let her proceed "and you're quite warm. You should go rest, or maybe see a healer."

"I've had quite enough interaction with healers for the day, but I suppose I can rest a bit. G'day commander." He hurried away, leaving Kel concerned.


End file.
